It was hard for me to understand what I was feeling when this all started. It still is because even as I started to write this I didn’t know how sad it would make me. But that emotion is as real as the love I have for my brother, even if there are all of those times I never told him.
The way I saw it, he was better at all the things I wanted to be, and the way he could easily outshine every part of me and take over the world but he never bothered to, and since I never really saw him anyway it made me think I hated him.
But I couldn’t hate him, ever. Not in ten lifetimes could I hate my brother. And neither could you. There is no evil in my brother. He wouldn’t harm a fly (trust me when I say this, I lived with him my entire life I’ve seen him yell for my mom when there’s a bug anywhere near him.) My brother is so kind hearted. He made sure you weren’t hungry (he was the kind of person who saved you the left overs, or went out and brought home snacks.) He was the kind of person who one compliment was always better than 100 from strangers. He is sincere, intelligent, thoughtful, polite, helpful, and caring.
Everything stated above is why this nightmare doesn’t make sense to me. This nightmare that gets replayed over and over again no matter how much I beg it to go away it stays. This awful thing that came into my life and ate away at the people who I cared about the most, so much that they’re so changed I know I will never get them fully back. And I can’t get it to go away because it’s been everything for the past two years.
It was all caused by that one night that I know by heart backwards and forward you would almost assume I was there.
And this is how it goes. He came home late, not late enough to make my mother worry. He got into bed. But there was a text that made him go back out. And in a moment that makes my ears ring just thinking about it. When that crash happened. I see lights, I’m spinning we’re all in that spot when the cars collided. They were going fast. This has never been denied. But I wasn’t there and neither were you.
It was the kind of crash you would only ever hear about in movies. It was the kind of thing that happened in headlines, not with family. It was the crash that left this car like this.
A picture tells a thousand words. This was my brother’s car after the crash. Was he speeding? Was he wearing his seatbelt? Did he drink?